last time we spoke i was embarking on a pre birthday detox, cutting out crap and cutting up the credit card. hear this sisters, giving up the booze ain't nothin on giving up the shoes. asos. shopbop. general pants. sportsgirl. ebay. i could keep going and i will. no really i can't it'll just make me want to jump online, click click click and confirm payment!
i knew i had a 'problem' because like most addicts i can rationalise any spending hit but going cold turkey had me in cold sweats. I forgot all about my booze ban (well for 17 days anyway) and skipping the pasta wasn't a problem but resisting the spend was to much to bear. I broke people and I broke badly, first it was convincing other people to purchase me pieces of my upcoming birthday outfit as presents, then it was some stockings, surely they don't count, then make up and 5 assorted viles of OPI.
meanwhile my sister had decided it was time i cleaned up my financial situation and set me up on a balance transfer for my over indulged bit of plastic. this was approved and i thought finally i'm on my way! but then the kicker, this meant i had to go and break up with my lover...
i began to feel ill, we had nearly 9 years of lust under our belts. we were a force to be reckoned with. we were perfect. well not always but what relationships don't have there ups and downs??? i couldn't do it and then i felt guilty for thinking of leaving and i said to myself 'ok i'll give myself a wee allowance, just a one nighter, i've been soooo good i really deserve it'
i don't want to get too explicit but things got hot and heavy, i was diane lane in unfaithful, carrying on an illicit affair with orgasm-on-legs-olivier.
all the while my sister calling and asking me if i've cancelled the relationship? have i spent anything? have i lowered the limit? NO NO NO (NO YES NO) she's onto me. she's richard gere you see and i know what's coming. my beautiful olivier is about to get knocked on the head with a snow globe... it's sickening but maybe i've had enough of the lies. the guilt. because by posting this confession i'm admitting my dangerous liaisons to the world and worse my sister.
that movie ended with olivier wrapped in a rug, in a land fill and diane and richard sitting at a traffic light. in the dark. outside a police station.
this isn't going to end well is it?
i guess at least i'll go out with a bang? and a killer set of orange suede platform pumps!
*btw the above amazingly ironic singlet is available at nasty gal ;)